


Deconstructing Me

by Yrindor



Series: To Feel the Way You Do [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aftercare, Asexual Kozume Kenma, Autistic Kozume Kenma, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Overstimulation, POV Kozume Kenma, Top Kuroo Tetsurou, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 15:20:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6912646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yrindor/pseuds/Yrindor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Kuroo describes sex as something smooth and warm, like sinking into a hot spring, he describes it as a tsunami - something completely overwhelming that wipes out everything in its path.  And sometimes, that's exactly what he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deconstructing Me

**Author's Note:**

> This forms a set with [Deconstructing You](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6767218) and is also set while Kuroo and Kenma are in college. Thanks to Solovei for beta-reading.

His mind feels wrong. There's a rough edge to it that keeps getting more pronounced, and he can't seem to make it go away. It's like an itch he can't scratch, except it's sharp and sometimes painful.

He can tell Kuroo's noticed too, but he doesn't think Kuroo's pinpointed the problem, and he's not sure how to describe it. After dinner, they're sitting on the couch like usual; he's playing one of his games while Kuroo reads. He's restless, constantly fidgeting as if moving will somehow ease the restlessness in his mind. He shifts again just as Kuroo goes to turn the page of his book, and Kuroo's hand catches the front of his sweatpants.

The sensation is sudden and sharp, like a lightning bolt, and he flinches before he even processes what's happening. Kuroo's already pulled his hand back and is apologizing, but Kenma shakes his head. It takes him longer to get his thoughts in order, but eventually the words catch up and he says, quietly, "more please."

For him, sex isn't like it is for Kuroo. Kuroo always describes it as something intimate and pleasurable - something that his body craves and that he enjoys. But that's not how it is for him. He's pretty certain his body wouldn't care if he never had sex again; it's not something he really cares about, and while his body will react to the right stimulation, fantasies and the like have never done anything for him. He'll grant that sex is an intense sensation, but it's not pleasurable to him the way it is to Kuroo. Kuroo's described sex as something smooth and warm, like sinking into a hot spring, but it's always felt more like a tsunami to him. Something completely overwhelming that wipes out everything in its path.

And right now, it's exactly what he wants.

There's too much sticking up in his mind, too many sharp corners and rough edges that keep catching and pulling that he can't seem to smooth out himself; he needs something else to do it for him.

"Are you sure?" Kuroo asks. He hasn't moved since Kenma spoke; his hand is still hovering in midair.

"Please," Kenma says quietly, unable to look up. It's a hard thing for him to ask, when he knows he doesn't have the "right" reaction to sex.

Kuroo presses a kiss to the top of his head. "There's nothing wrong with this, Kenma," he says firmly as he sets his book aside and carries Kenma to the bedroom. "You're perfect the way you are."

Kenma nods, but he still feels that niggling doubt at the back of his mind; it's another of the uncomfortable angles sticking out of his mental landscape. One of the many sharp edges that poke at him with all of the ways in which he's different, wrong.

He sits on the bed while Kuroo undresses, then lets Kuroo take his game and undress him as well. He's not sure where his words have gone; he feels like he should say something, but he's not sure what.

He's scared, some small part of him notes. He feels suddenly exposed and vulnerable sitting naked in front of Kuroo. He doesn't know what Kuroo's planning. He doesn't even really know what he wants, other than for the rough bits to go away, but he's not sure how to say any of that either.

He flinches when Kuroo sits down on the bed next to him, even though Kuroo hasn't done anything yet, and Kuroo crawls behind him, wrapping his arms around him.

Even that simple touch is enough to send lightning bolts playing across his skin.

"What do you want?" Kuroo asks.

Kenma shakes his head. He doesn't know.

Kuroo waits, still hugging him loosely. Kenma tries to find the words, but they keep slipping out of his grasp. It's frustrating, and the harder he reaches for them, the slipperier they become. He digs his nails into his arms to try to focus.

Suddenly, he's being pulled into a tight hug as Kuroo's legs twine around his own. He's trapped, but it's not scary, because it's Kuroo. Kuroo is grounding, safe. He relaxes into the hold while he catches his breath and catches the words.

"There's too much static," he says finally. "It's too noisy, and it hurts; make it stop." It's not a perfect explanation of the problem, but it's the best he can come up with, and Kuroo's known him long enough to know what he means.

"I can do that," Kuroo says, loosening his grip to drag a hand across Kenma's stomach.

The touch sends lightning bolts arcing across his skin. It's followed by another, dragging across his skin and leaving a sparking trail of sensation behind it. More touches follow, building in pressure, and he still can't decide if he wants more or less.

Without warning, Kuroo's hand drops between his legs, and he jerks. Kuroo moves with the motion though, making the sensation build to an almost unbearable intensity. He whimpers as his cock twitches in response to Kuroo's touch. He's used to having his plans, to deliberately choosing what to do. Having his body acting out of his control is foreign and scary.

He feels like he should be doing something as Kuroo strokes him again. The rules tell him that sex is supposed to be reciprocal, but he's having a hard time thinking between the static in his head and the distraction of Kuroo's touch. And even if he could think, he's not sure what he would do. It's not like when it's for Kuroo and he knows exactly what to do to get the reaction he wants out. This isn't about Kuroo at all; it's about his own head, and he's not sure what he wants, much less what he's supposed to be doing.

Another sound escapes from him, and Kuroo pauses.

"Keep going," Kenma whispers. "Please." Thinking is still hard, and he still can't decide if he loves or hates this sensation, but something in his gut tells him that this is what his body wants, what he needs.

Kuroo shifts, and then there's the click of the cap of the lube. He tries to focus on other familiar sensations - the warmth of Kuroo's body against his back, the steady beat of Kuroo's heart against his shoulder, the rise and fall of Kuroo's chest as he breathes. They're all familiar feelings, safe and repetitive unlike the irregular shocks of Kuroo's touch.

Even as he thinks that, Kuroo's hand closes around the base of his penis. It's cold and slippery with lube, a sharp contrast to the solid heat behind him. He can't help it; a choked sound escapes before he can stop it.

He feels another one building as Kuroo strokes again, and he clamps his hand over his mouth to try to keep it in. He's rocking back and forth now too, trying to focus on the familiar sensation to even out some of the spikes from Kuroo's motion.

Kuroo's hand is over his own suddenly, gently urging them back down. He shakes his head. He can't move his hands or the sounds will get out, sounds that are happening of their own accord, without his control.

"Let them out," Kuroo urges. "Let them all out."

At the core of it, that's what he wants, isn't it? Not for the sounds, but for the feelings. For the rough edges that are hurting him. It's a scary feeling lowering his hands, and it leaves him feeling vulnerable and exposed, but he does it for Kuroo, grabbing onto Kuroo's arm instead.

On the next stroke, a choked moan escapes from his throat, his body reacting without his conscious thought. He can't help the whimper that escapes after it when the lack of control hits him too. His body is reacting to what Kuroo's doing whether he wants it to or not, just like the places in his head that won't settle down.

He needs something more to ground him. Kuroo's pressed up behind him, moving with him as he rocks, but it's not enough. He's starting to feel too out of control, almost on the edge of panic rather than just the overwhelming intensity he wants.

"Kuroo," he says frantically, grabbing onto Kuroo's arm. "Kuroo, I need you."

"I have you," Kuroo promises, missing the point, but he does slow.

"Hold you," Kenma clarifies.

"Ask and you shall receive," Kuroo says, and Kenma can't help but laugh. There's an awkward shuffling of body parts, but eventually he ends up facing Kuroo, wrapping his legs around Kuroo's waist.

He feels more grounded now that he can hold onto Kuroo too. The sensations are still intense, sending shocks through his body and threatening to knock him right out of himself but he no longer feels at risk of being lost in the storm. It's not even a conscious thought, just the visceral sensation that Kuroo won't let him be swept away, even if he lets go and loses himself.

There's a sudden pause as Kuroo pulls his hand away, and Kenma whimpers at the loss. His head's in an uncomfortable half-full place now. Some of the rough spots are hidden under the flood of sensation that Kuroo's created, but they're still there, and as soon as Kuroo stops, the flood starts draining away, threatening to expose everything he was trying to hide.

"Just a second," Kuroo says gently, kissing him on the forehead. Kenma's ashamed when he feels tears start pricking at his eyes. He's having a hard time reconciling Kuroo's gentleness with the intensity of everything else.

When Kuroo's hands return, one goes back to where it was before, and the other slips between his cheeks. He flinches and cries out at the sudden cold.

"Is this okay?" Kuroo asks as his finger presses at Kenma's hole.

 _No_ , Kenma thinks, but at the same time, _Yes_. He's not sure what the right answer is; it's all overwhelming, and he can't think.

"Kenma, breathe," Kuroo urges, rubbing circles on his back, and he listens, matching the movement of his chest to the movement of Kuroo's. He tries to think about Kuroo's question. Part of him says it's too much, too intimate, too exposed, but another part, the part that's trying to flood the sharp edges until they stop being so painful, says it's what he wants, what he needs. He's caught between them until a lightning shock of sensation down his shaft leaves him gasping and wanting more.

"Yes," he says. "Please." He keep his head buried against Kuroo's chest as he speaks; he can't look at Kuroo right now.

He gasps as Kuroo presses into him, the slow, steady pressure a counterpoint to the faster strokes of Kuroo's other hand. It's a different sort of sensation; a slow fire that's smoldering just shy of bursting into flames instead of the frantic lightning bolts.

Once he's fully seated, Kuroo begins a slow, steady rhythm. It doesn't match what his other hand is doing, and Kenma finds himself torn between the two. Then Kuroo changes the rhythm again, making them both irregular, impossible to predict. The fire and the lightning are feeding into one another, both of them growing stronger and stronger and flooding out everything else. They're turning the inside of his head into a firestorm, snapping off the sharp edges and grinding any other rough areas into oblivion with their intensity.

He pulls Kuroo in tighter, burying his head in the hollow of Kuroo's collarbone. He know he's getting close; there's a tight, burning feeling growing in his gut, and he's starting to lose his sense of where he is under the weight of the sensations. There are sounds punctuating each of Kuroo's strokes, and he assumes they're coming from him, even though he has no recollection of making them.

He feels something wet on his cheeks as well, and he assumes it's tears, though he's not aware he's crying. The fire and the lighting batter him, but he still wants more. They're still too controlled, too reigned in and redirected by the strange contours of his mind; he's waiting for them to break free, needs to feel their unrestrained wildness.

He's crying in earnest now even as he wraps his legs around Kuroo's waist and thrusts against Kuroo's finger. Without warning, the pressure inside him shifts, hitting the spot that makes him see stars. He screams as the smoldering fire bursts into flames. He yells and bites down hard on Kuroo's shoulder as everything finally breaks free, his fingers digging into Kuroo's back as he holds on. Kuroo's fingers keep moving over him and inside him, feeding the maelstrom. He wants to pull away, but at the same time, he doesn't, the visceral pleasure of release telling him to stay.

He's not sure how long it takes for the last of the fire and lightning to escape, leaving him alone in his mind. He feels strangely empty now, not a bad, hollow sort of empty, more…clean, as if all of the rough edges and gritty corners had been ground smooth and washed out by the departing storm.

As he settles back into his head, his body starts letting itself be known again too. He's dirty, covered in sweat, and tears, and cum. He whimpers softly as the clammy, sticky feeling lets itself be known, and then he's being picked up and carried across the room. He holds on as best he can, but he's not sure how much he's helping; his body feels weak and almost foreign.

Then there's warmth surrounding him and supporting him as he's lowered into the bathtub. Kuroo draws it for them every night after dinner, and it hasn't been sitting long tonight, so the water is hot. Kuroo lets go of him one he's in the tub, and he gasps and chokes. The water is supportive, but it's not enough; he feels like he's going to break apart without Kuroo to hold him together.

He's scared, and alone, and he doesn't know what to do, but then there are familiar, strong arms wrapping around him again and pulling him in close. He curls into a ball. Kuroo has him. Kuroo won't let go. He's still crying, about what he doesn't know, but stopping seems too complicated, so he lets the tears flow.

Eventually, the last of the tears fall, mixing with the water around him and washing away. Some of the clouds in his head seem to wash away with the last of the tears too, and he starts to find his head. Kuroo can hold his physical body together, but even he can't hold together Kenma's mind; Kuroo just keeps him safe until he can find all of the pieces and pick them up again.

His thoughts still feel tender, and a bit raw, but they've come back enough that he risks uncurling a little, taking back some of his own weight. "Kuroo," he breathes softly, wincing at how scratchy his voice sounds.

"Kenma," Kuroo replies, his breath hot across Kenma's ear.

"Thank you."

Kuroo's arms loosen, and Kenma holds on more tightly. Then, Kuroo is back with a washcloth and washing him gently. It feels good, and he relaxes into it. Or at least he does until his mind reminds him that he's not a child anymore, that he should be washing himself, not having someone else do it for him.

He reluctantly tries to pull away and take the washcloth himself, but he's caught by the net of Kuroo's arms.

"Let me," Kuroo says, and Kenma feels the words vibrating in Kuroo's chest. "I like taking care of you like this. You're not weak; you're not broken. You're beautiful, and I love you."

Tears start stinging at his eyes again as he lets Kuroo continue. He's floating, and everything feels warm and safe. Soft, without any of the sharp edges that were there earlier.

He lets Kuroo finish washing him and help him out of the bath and into his pajamas. He's not ready to let go of Kuroo yet though, so he holds Kuroo's hand as Kuroo goes to the kitchen and makes hot chocolate for both of them.

They end up back in bed together, with him in his usual spot on Kuroo's lap, Kuroo's chin resting on the top of his head. The hot chocolate leaves a warm pool in his stomach that matches the glowing heat he feels in his chest. He still feels a bit tender and raw inside, like he scrubbed a bit too hard, but that's okay, because Kuroo is there wrapping him up in soft, warm feelings until the raw feeling heals.

He starts to speak, but the words catch in his throat. They're scary words; words he's never said before. He's never quite sure what they mean, or if they mean what he's feeling. He's never felt his heart flutter the way people talk about, or felt the sudden connection when their eyes meet, but he's not sure what the warm, soft feeling he gets around Kuroo would be otherwise.

He steels himself and tries again.

"I…I love you," he mumbles, tripping over the words.

Kuroo stiffens behind him, and he worries he's said something wrong. Then, Kuroo hugs him more tightly.

"I love you too," he says, his voice cracking in the middle.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments and feedback are welcome and appreciated.


End file.
